Regrets and a Sunflower

Its fall, again

I was driving recently when I started to reflect on my surroundings. It was September - Fair month. Its the season for many of my life’s hardships, challenges and “what was”. My girls came into care in the fall of 2018, and 2019, and also left in this same fall season, 4 years after being a piece of our family.. The realization that my Dad was indeed dying, September 2021. The same month that my dear friend called me and said “Drop to your knees, and pray because David was in an accident”. & did we ever pray. God still called him home. The scrambling month of opening the coffee shop September 2022. The same month that H’s sunflower was 8 feet tall - beaming, and ready for 1^st place at the fair. Except, I was “too busy”. We didn’t register it for her… I didn’t take the hour to drive her 5 minutes to enter her sunflower. I told her I would. & I didn’t.

 . . . As soon as the air turns, it comes. The rush of overwhelm that forces me to take a deep breath, and remember that fall does not need to be feared. I can continue to the next day. . .  

When I see the fair coming – for that week - & all the years into the future, I will be sad… for what was and what would’ve been. I took some of that portion of life for granted. “I will always be your mom” & “We can do it next year!” I know I said those words. I did truly mean every word I said. I wanted to be their mom forever. I wanted to have another opportunity to make memories with them. Then I pause - did I stop to think there may be a day when there isn’t . . . next year? When I am no longer their mom? I didn’t. I did not believe anything could take those two souls from the care of our home.

I sit here with deep regret, pondering the wonder of a first place sunflower. Pondering the amazement of, my then 7 year old, and how she would’ve grown in confidence over a small seed she grew on a whim, just for fun. What if I stopped the busyness of Coffee Shop grand opening for just an hour to honor her with one-on-one time? How many wounds of her heart could I have puttied had I actually paused? Or did I indeed add another hole . . .

Here I am 4 years later, and wonder if I am leaning too far the other way with the rest of my children. Is what I am feeling just an illusion? Just maybe I was always “doing the best I could at the time with what I was given”. I can see how much I could miss if I am not paying close attention. I have a deep recognition that each day is a gift, not to be wasted. Time is fleeting – a vapor - and babies do not keep. I will focus on the journey ahead as wife, and mom, business minded individual and friend. I will not succumb to the lie of throwing away hard work and routine because my trauma made me. Above all, I will praise God for continuing to pen this story.

We miss you both more than words, tears and fall air will ever describe. Until someday, Im asking The Father that we cross paths again! All my love, Mom