In my Wonderings

In my wonderings

“Does my life simply exist because you did first?”

For Austin on your 1^st heavenly birthday

I love stories from the past. Stories from before I was alive and stories from when I was little, ones I wouldn’t know unless someone shares them.

The story goes something like this . . . Mom and Dad were married in 86’. Mom wanted children right away, and Dad was reserved. Some would even say not interested in starting a family. Of course, as time goes, the sisters and sister in laws, and friends start having babies. As if mom wasn’t already ready - when us ladies are ready for a baby, or a third, we are ready. Mom continued to want the baby.

Mom and Dad had a very close group of friends from high school. These friends were so close that us children grew up calling them “Aunt” and “Uncle”. One of the couples was Don and Karen. Karen was first to have her baby. Don and Karen welcomed Lauren into the world in 88’. How ever cute was Lauren.

& the story goes something like this. Dad soon decided he was ready, and Mom wanted a summer baby. Dad held Mom’s hand in October and they welcomed Samantha into the world in July. That way, Mom could have her summer off and lay out. She loves the sun. They are in baby bliss and they raise Samantha for 4 birthdays . . . all the while Mom is wanting a second baby. Until Karen has Austin in October of 1993. Dad sees Don and Karen with a son . . .

& the story goes something like this. Dad suddenly decides he’s ready for another baby, since he saw a baby boy. Since Don and Karen had a son, surely the second baby will be a son for Mom and Dad! & if Dad had his way, his son would be named Chris after him. (Haha.) Mom delivers me on July 28, 1994 and out comes a little girl. Rachel Christine. Que disappointment for Dad  I believe it was short lived . . . Lauren had Samantha as a friend, and I now had Austin.

& the story goes something like this. Austin and I quickly became best friends. He was one of 2 or 3 others closest to my age from the group of close friends, and from my memory, our family spent an incredible amount of time with Uncle Don & Aunt Karen. Either we were at their house on Hartings Park Road, or they were at our house on South Reamstown Road. It seemed as if the snacks never lacked, the bike riding never got old and we watched way too many movies. We did a lot of camping and beach trips, many of which Austin and, or Lauren came along. I have such great memories from car rides, trips and the long seasons of CMFA cheerleading & midget football that both our families participated in. It seemed we were always way behind the older sisters, which bothered us. The girls had a large and incredible group of guy and girl friends that came around often. The cheerleaders stayed over at our house every weekend, where Austin and I enjoyed bothering them. When the older sisters had campfires or co-ed gatherings, you could believe we were close by ease dropping and interrupting. Childhood memories with The Landis family seemed to flow at a fast pace throughout Samantha & Laurens High School years and middle school for Austin and I. Austin became more involved in sports and I started to ride horse. We naturally drifted apart as our interests became different. We still said hi in school when we saw each other. Soon enough, we were graduating, moving into life after high school and adulthood. Both of our parents had been divorced and divorcing, which kept our families from being connected. That takes us to 2008 or so, in the journey of life.

I now find myself in July of 2025, as a married mother of many, wondering if my life exists simply because yours did first. Austin and I may have shared similar heartaches during our late teen years, that left us each turning to different vices to deal with the pain. I won’t ever know, but it will certainly always be in my wonderings.

By the grace of God and none other, I was able to overcome having a child at 17, 7 weeks early due to a car accident that left me with broken bones and finishing my senior year from my recliner. That experience was a very hard physical experience, although I am grateful for what I was able to take away from it that I still reflect on at 31.

It is with a deep ache that Austins path led him through a journey of addiction that recently took his life.

3 days after my birthday this summer I learned that Austin will no longer be able to make another recovery, have another chance or have another earthly birthday. I found myself uncontrollably sobbing at different moments following his passing. I sat on the patio of Scott and I’s house, that we had made years prior with cash from selling puppies. Grace.

I watched our children play in the sandbox and in my wonderings . . . why was I able to recover from the choices I made? Grace. It was another “How did we get here” moment. I can’t quite shake this profound realization that some of us are given abundant, abounding grace and others are not. Can we position our hearts in a way that we see everything we have as a gift?

I then sit through a coaching session with my teen with these waterfall tears, as I try to explain my hurt, and thankfulness that I have her – and other children that I have been able to raise and watch run after bubbles from this patio.

I will let you know if I ever find the answers. In my wonderings, they may only be found when we meet our maker.